The 2012 conference includes many other established holistic centers and communities, including Open Center of NYC, Harbin Hot Springs of Northern California, Indralaya of Orcas Island Washington, Kalani Oceanside on Hawaii’s big island, The Haven on Gabriola Island in the Canadian San Juans, Auroville of India, and Oregon’s own Breitenbush Hot Springs and Retreat Center. The 2012 gathering includes representatives from Laos, Vietnam, Russia and Kenya, Africa. The Global EcoVillage Network was in attendance. The formation of intentional communities and ecovillages seems to be picking up some steam as a worldwide trend.

I am here representing the Divination Foundation, which supports a number of these centers directly or indirectly (via Pathways podcasts, for instance), and whose mission is in alignment with the worldwide holistic community movement that is served by this event. On a personal level, I am having a blast …  been feeling happy for no good reason … perhaps simply because of the fact that such a movement even exists!

The idea of forming communities to be in service to the planet or as a way of life seems a little mind-bending in the overdeveloped world. Also, for many of us who are getting older, it’s a deja-vu of the 60′s and 70′s when we ourselves lived in communes of all kinds. It’s no accident that I feel like I’ve come home a little bit here, as do so many people of all ages who visit Findhorn—or any of these centers of light in a darkening world.

You can get a good glimpse of this year’s event and all the participants via the new website, CentersGathering.org, produced by the 2012 conference’s brilliant organizer, Christine Lines of Findhorn Foundation. Greetings from Scotland!

For all of the modern excesses of romance addiction and fairy-tales (as discussed in a previous blog), the French experience of life teaches a lot about the positive side and value of romance. It  infuses everything about this place, including the gently flirtatious way people socially relate to one other … even the language is sensuous!

Even though there are countless museums and galleries containing the world’s greatest  treasures of art, you don’t have to go indoors to find beautiful art. Just go to the parks (or cemeteries), where elegant statues abound. Or just note the exquisite stylization of buildings, the metro, the streets themselves. Above all, the sensuousness of the cuisine and its artful presentation!

Parisians seem to understand that romance is the spice of life and—like the best use of all spices—they indulge it in moderation, while never forgetting to give it the respect it deserves. My friend, archetypal astrologer Lynn Bell, who has lived here for 30 years (and whose interview by me you can look up via the Divination.com podcast), agreed with my joke that perhaps the reason the French are more willing to overlook affairs and mistresses is because they think it’s a crime to pass up any opportunity to fall in love … ha!

Constant craving for the fulfillment of a dream is desire gone wild and, just like the 2nd noble truth of Buddhism predicts, the result is suffering, psychological suffering—feeding feelings of loneliness, jealousy, failure, inadequacy and insecurity.

The idea that there is one special person out there who is your perfect match is what I call “the soulmate trap.” From an energetic point of view, it is quite an uncertain proposition—this idea that the only way to achieve intimacy is to find someone to fall in love with who falls in love with you at the same time. What are the odds of that? (Hint: They get worse as you get older.) Putting all your eggs in this magical basket is enough to make anyone feel insecure!

But we are too brainwashed with our culture’s romantic ideology, like a narcissistic obsession that causes more suffering than it’s worth (while goosing the sale of greeting cards and candy).

Everybody wants intimacy—to be seen and accepted and appreciated for who you are. Intimacy is closeness. The only politically correct pathway to intimacy in western culture—the one that is non-stop promoted in magazines, books, movies, TV and online—starts out with the magical feeling of falling in love, aka romantic infatuation. From there (if you are old enough) it goes to sex, and then—if you are lucky … that is very, very lucky—it gets to trust and emotional intimacy.

We take it for granted that this highly stimulating, romantic fantasy-based approach is the only true pathway to intimacy. It’s culturally incorrect to even question this (wanna be called a “killjoy”?), but it hasn’t actually been this way for that long. The pathway to intimacy that begins with choosing on the basis of infatuation started only about 200 years ago (although because of Hollywood and media it is spreading worldwide like wildfire). Before that, the path to intimacy, even in the western world, began with an arrangement—i.e., an arranged marriage. This didn’t always work to produce intimacy either, but having lived in India for a year, I suspect the odds are higher for partnerships that start with an arrangement that takes into account real compatibility and other practical considerations.

For a lot of us who are getting older (and who are still going to live a long time) and not looking to start a new family, traditional forms of marriage—arranged or otherwise—may not make sense. But marriage is only one type of ‘arrangement’ in an open-minded modern culture. Perhaps two people who are sufficiently attracted to each other—and who are not demanding all-or-nothing “love-at-first-sight”—settling into a mutually beneficial arrangement designed  to help or support each other in different ways, is an approach worth moving toward, a friends-with-chemistry sort of thing. Real love does not have to spring full-blown at first sight; in fact, fantasies are always relatively short-lived projections. The heart is happy to grow a love, if given the chance to “settle” into it.

One chapter in Ken Keyes’ excellent book Conscious Person’s Guide to Relationships is entitled “Falling in love is not a good basis for involvement.” Hmmm … maybe the arrangement approach works better. To be sure, there would need to be the spice of romance (aka “chemistry), but romance is the spice, not the main course. Obsessing on the romantic aspect is like gorging on sugar cookies before dinner. The main course, the real nourishment, is trust and intimacy. It doesn’t really matter how you get there. Wanna start with dessert? Most kids do, but as our parents used to tell us, be careful not ruin your appetite for healthy nutrition, and you will suffer less from romantic indigestion (aka serious disillusionment). So, get together with a friend and give him or her a hug and a kiss!

Lynn has been a featured speaker at most of the major astrology conferences in the world. She has been a tutor for The Faculty of Astrological Studies Summer school in Oxford, and teaches seminars around the world — from Western Europe to far-off lands like Bali and Mexico.

Her articles have appeared in too many major astrological publications to mention. She is the author of Cycles of Light: Exploring the Mysteries of Solar Returns. She is co-author Of the Mars Quartet and author of Planetary Threads, which explores family patterns in astrology.

Recently, I had the good fortune to interview Dr. John Kalb, a holistic chiropractor and world-class nutritionist, on my Pathways radio show (podcast on Divination.com). Dr. Kalb reminds us that “Aging is required, but symptoms are optional,” and that aside from good nutrition and reasonable exercise, we need purpose and inspiration to live a fulfilling and truly healthy life.

Like myself, Dr. Kalb is a spiritual person who has been known to use the I Ching to help him stay spiritually synchronized, be more creative and make better decisions. You should hear what he has to say about the spiritual dimension of health, as well as the true place of supplements, the “Happiness Project” and the wisdom of the elders. Thank you, Dr. Kalb!

First of all, let go of any residual blame. Forgive the other person for not having lived up to the projections you shined on him (and vice-versa, to be sure). We all have a reflected sense of self, and enjoy being other-validated. It feels good to be desired and appreciated; it’s intoxicating. But now is the time to hold onto the part of you that is self-validating. To this highly conscious part, everything happens for a good reason (i.e. personal growth), and it just doesn’t matter what other people think (they don’t do it that much anyway .

Considering that you are going to be running into this guy, however, it’s useful to realize that you will be having an ongoing ‘relationship’ with him, whether you like it or not. What you are dealing with here is changing the form of this relationship—as opposed to the notion that a “relationship” must be all or nothing.

You had hopes with this guy for intimacy, and discovered that (for mutual reasons) it’s not going to work. So, what form do you want now? If you are reacting emotionally and are still shouting “nada,” you are blinded to what may be in your best interests. If you are not ready to get beyond reaction, then perhaps you really should totally avoid him for a month or two. Time heals all wounds and you’ll come around to being able to treat him as an acquaintance you can’t rely on … and whom you cannot take too seriously. (What a fool that he passed up the opportunity to adapt to and change himself for you, right?)

Most intimate relationships begin by meeting someone at work or in our social groups. Nothing against online or blind dates, but this local, organic approach often feels more natural and can work out (for a while). But even though your wider group of friends may have observed and been privy to the details of your relationship, you never agreed to bet your entire social life on a single relationship, did you? Don’t politicize what happened. Be cool about the fact that “you win some, you lose some.”

If you find yourself feeling out of sorts in public when he’s around, just try to act naturally. Avoid conversations with him, ignore him as best you can without being pointed or obvious about it. Carry on doing what you like to do … including going out with someone else from a common group. Don’t even consider what others might think or feel … you’re self-validating now, baby. Do your own harmless thing without regard for whatever you think others might think—we never know what people are thinking (hint: it’s generally about them, not us)! As they remind us in 12-step programs “What you think of me is none of my business!” Instead of worrying about what others might think, focus on learning as much as you can about how to hold onto yourself (and pick better partners as a result).  And don’t forget to enjoy this learning process. After all, that’s one big thing relationships are for!

Michelle, you have no reason to feel guilty. Trust your internal guidance system. After all, would you want to deprive your third child of as much maternal attention as you can, just because you were not  able to give as much to your first two? Outside of worrying about what others might think (an external  guidance system), that doesn’t make sense. Why not celebrate your good fortune and the good fortune of all of your children, who can see more of their mother now?

This is a big change. That you have some feelings of insecurity about it is totally understandable.

I suspect that the issue of being in control is the bigger one for you here. You took pride in your ability to earn a good living and contribute to your family financially; that is understandable. Since you didn’t say one way or the other, one assumes that your husband supports the idea of you being a stay-at-home mom. If so, it stands to reason that you should not have to give up financial knowledge or decision-making power in the family, an equal role in all the business of the two of you. Perhaps, if you have not fully discussed how you intend to manage your collective finances as partners, you should!

Also, it probably makes sense to stay up to speed on your professional skills, because one never knows what will happen in this economy. What is needed right away is for you and your husband to come to an agreement on how to manage family finances, as well as how you can provide the best care for all your children. Clear communications will result in a better understanding and a stronger bond between all of you.

I submit that a big part of the reason males are so interested in physical intimacy is their need for emotional intimacy. A little background: in patriarchal societies around the world, boys are pushed off their mother’s lap around age 4 or 5 and quickly trained to become “little men.” If dad isn’t around — which has generally been the case in post-industrial societies — the boys quickly fixate on fantasy or sport heroes as a way to develop some sense of identity (however shaky that might be). Now Mom’s not even around in an increasing numbers of cases.

What this scenario essentially means is that, even though they are almost completely emotionally dependent upon maternal nurture, these boys must learn to deny that fact and suck it up, lopping off huge bits of their natural emotional range for the sake of developing a more stoic “masculine” (i.e. military) self-image.  For the rest of their lives, the only emotions most of these males will feel comfortable displaying are anger, competitive aggression and lust.

But their inner child is not done with them — not by a long shot. That deprived little guy still needs emotional nourishment and physical affection, and will act out in all kinds of ways, be it sexual or becoming wimpy. In contrast with females, however, he often cannot get nurturing energy from his own kind. In short, I submit that the need for emotional nourishment is a huge unrecognized component of why hetero men so strongly desire sexual contact. It’s a two-fer — not only is the testosterone-fueled urge temporarily satisfied, but sex is one way that masculine-oriented men can allow themselves to receive a bit of deep affection without feeling embarrassed about it.

I have checked this theory out with several of my more thoughtful male friends and they all agree that men are dependent upon women far more than women are dependent on them (even in cases where they are financially supporting their partner). Of course, there are millions of exceptions — and plenty of lonely people of both sexes — but it’s obvious to me that women have recourse to other women for emotional support (whether they use that or not) — and have so much more oxytocin than men (the bonding hormone) — whereas men’s ability to hold and emotionally support each other, etc. is almost totally inhibited in our culture. Once again, the experience of females and males is VERY different!

In my Anatomy of a Horndog theory, half the reason men are horndogs — more and more so as they get past their 20′s — is a secret desire for emotional nourishment, for which they (and everybody else) are dependent on women (or more sadly, just fantasies of women). To whatever extent this is true, it is denied by everybody, especially including men themselves (which is why I’m bringing it up). Few people seem to care, but as long as this unseen driver goes unnamed, the most important ingredient — emotional bonding — for intimacy remains missing in action.

Admittedly, there may be some of my own personal discoveries popping up here, but it’s more than that for me — for I can’t help but believe the romantic notion that deep intimacy between men and women would be one of the most powerful catalysts for the collective healing of our damaged planet. If so, the most relevant follow-up question is how can we help men heal their lovesickness without asking them to lop off other vital parts? I think using the I Ching for greater self-awareness is a good way to start!

In another blog, I mentioned that men need women not only for sex, but also for emotional nourishment. Several women responded that women want sex too. Yes, of course, most do, but just not as insistently as men. Even though women may have an even greater capacity for sexual fulfillment than men, the average woman’s desire is not nearly so insistent as the average male’s.

It’s a biological fact that the hormone testosterone plays a major role in sexual interest — for both sexes. The avg healthy male has 20 to 30 times the testosterone of the avg healthy female … actually, it ranges from 10x to 100x. Women have much, much less, and their level fluctuates with their cycle (reaching its peak around ovulation), but men’s bodies are flooded with testosterone ALL the time. We’re not talking twice as much — not even just 5 times as much — it is a HUGE differential!

Certainly, most women also want sex, but men think about it a LOT more. One indicator is that 30% more men pleasure themselves and, comparing with the women who do, men do it on average 4-5 times as often. Also, men download erotic materials 5 to 10 times as much as women. Moral judgments aside, these are markers for a MUCH higher level of interest — even factoring in the idea that sex may be just as strongly desired by women in the context of a romantic relationship (or perhaps fantasies about Orlando Bloom .

So, at least half the reason men are labeled ‘horndogs’ is biological … that constant flow of lots more testosterone is why men can’t help but think about sex so much. (Question: Do men get empathy from women for this condition? Or do they just mainly get blamed for their biological burden?)

Now, let me be clear: In no way does strong desire justify inappropriate or abusive speech or behavior. It’s only natural for men to test the waters a little bit (i.e. flirt), but there is no excuse for men to ever make women uncomfortable just because they, the men, are feeling their own biological pressure. If so many men lack refinement, it’s only because they are ignorant of the fact that women are so very different than them … to the extent they project their own cravings onto women, men most certainly lack empathy too. To the extent that we need each other, we just ALL need more empathy for each other, which is the real point behind this blog.

But, even more interesting, testosterone is not the only major reason men are so focused on physical intimacy. There is a significant emotional component involved as well, which is largely denied and hidden by society, including men themselves. There is emotional deprivation behind men’s sexual desires, which is what creates the ‘lovesick’ part. Here again, men are dealing with something that is qualitatively different than the same desire in the experience of women. We’ll explore this second major factor in my next blog.