Getting older is unavoidable, but is it possible to avoid the symptoms of aging? Can our choices about what we think and feel—and how we live—propel us into a long and healthy life? It seems there’s more to the question of aging gracefully than just the new fad diet or designer supplement.

Recently, I had the good fortune to interview Dr. John Kalb, a holistic chiropractor and world-class nutritionist, on my Pathways radio show (podcast on Divination.com). Dr. Kalb reminds us that “Aging is required, but symptoms are optional,” and that aside from good nutrition and reasonable exercise, we need purpose and inspiration to live a fulfilling and truly healthy life.

Like myself, Dr. Kalb is a spiritual person who has been known to use the I Ching to help him stay spiritually synchronized, be more creative and make better decisions. You should hear what he has to say about the spiritual dimension of health, as well as the true place of supplements, the “Happiness Project” and the wisdom of the elders. Thank you, Dr. Kalb!

In my last blog, I pointed to testosterone as being half of the reason for male horndoggedness, the other half being emotional in nature. Some women had trouble accepting the vast testosterone differential, and the part this hormone plays in desire for both genders, but a massive difference between the sexes is established scientific fact that has been studied and proven extensively (though men’s testosterone levels have been going down over the last 40 years). This next part of my thesis is more experimental and almost completely overlooked.

I submit that a big part of the reason males are so interested in physical intimacy is their need for emotional intimacy. A little background: in patriarchal societies around the world, boys are pushed off their mother’s lap around age 4 or 5 and quickly trained to become “little men.” If dad isn’t around — which has generally been the case in post-industrial societies — the boys quickly fixate on fantasy or sport heroes as a way to develop some sense of identity (however shaky that might be). Now Mom’s not even around in an increasing numbers of cases.

What this scenario essentially means is that, even though they are almost completely emotionally dependent upon maternal nurture, these boys must learn to deny that fact and suck it up, lopping off huge bits of their natural emotional range for the sake of developing a more stoic “masculine” (i.e. military) self-image.  For the rest of their lives, the only emotions most of these males will feel comfortable displaying are anger, competitive aggression and lust.

But their inner child is not done with them — not by a long shot. That deprived little guy still needs emotional nourishment and physical affection, and will act out in all kinds of ways, be it sexual or becoming wimpy. In contrast with females, however, he often cannot get nurturing energy from his own kind. In short, I submit that the need for emotional nourishment is a huge unrecognized component of why hetero men so strongly desire sexual contact. It’s a two-fer — not only is the testosterone-fueled urge temporarily satisfied, but sex is one way that masculine-oriented men can allow themselves to receive a bit of deep affection without feeling embarrassed about it.

I have checked this theory out with several of my more thoughtful male friends and they all agree that men are dependent upon women far more than women are dependent on them (even in cases where they are financially supporting their partner). Of course, there are millions of exceptions — and plenty of lonely people of both sexes — but it’s obvious to me that women have recourse to other women for emotional support (whether they use that or not) — and have so much more oxytocin than men (the bonding hormone) — whereas men’s ability to hold and emotionally support each other, etc. is almost totally inhibited in our culture. Once again, the experience of females and males is VERY different!

In my Anatomy of a Horndog theory, half the reason men are horndogs — more and more so as they get past their 20′s — is a secret desire for emotional nourishment, for which they (and everybody else) are dependent on women (or more sadly, just fantasies of women). To whatever extent this is true, it is denied by everybody, especially including men themselves (which is why I’m bringing it up). Few people seem to care, but as long as this unseen driver goes unnamed, the most important ingredient — emotional bonding — for intimacy remains missing in action.

Admittedly, there may be some of my own personal discoveries popping up here, but it’s more than that for me — for I can’t help but believe the romantic notion that deep intimacy between men and women would be one of the most powerful catalysts for the collective healing of our damaged planet. If so, the most relevant follow-up question is how can we help men heal their lovesickness without asking them to lop off other vital parts? I think using the I Ching for greater self-awareness is a good way to start!

For thousands of years, human beings have used divination systems such as astrology and tarot to inquire about relationship and compatibility issues.  But an intuitive approach cannot resolve such problems all by itself. While we often try to attribute our passions to a conscious decision of the mind, our desires are also driven by biological and emotional drives that we are only now beginning to understand. It behooves us to also use logic and consider what we are learning from biology and psychology.

In another blog, I mentioned that men need women not only for sex, but also for emotional nourishment. Several women responded that women want sex too. Yes, of course, most do, but just not as insistently as men. Even though women may have an even greater capacity for sexual fulfillment than men, the average woman’s desire is not nearly so insistent as the average male’s.

It’s a biological fact that the hormone testosterone plays a major role in sexual interest — for both sexes. The avg healthy male has 20 to 30 times the testosterone of the avg healthy female … actually, it ranges from 10x to 100x. Women have much, much less, and their level fluctuates with their cycle (reaching its peak around ovulation), but men’s bodies are flooded with testosterone ALL the time. We’re not talking twice as much — not even just 5 times as much — it is a HUGE differential!

Certainly, most women also want sex, but men think about it a LOT more. One indicator is that 30% more men pleasure themselves and, comparing with the women who do, men do it on average 4-5 times as often. Also, men download erotic materials 5 to 10 times as much as women. Moral judgments aside, these are markers for a MUCH higher level of interest — even factoring in the idea that sex may be just as strongly desired by women in the context of a romantic relationship (or perhaps fantasies about Orlando Bloom .

So, at least half the reason men are labeled ‘horndogs’ is biological … that constant flow of lots more testosterone is why men can’t help but think about sex so much. (Question: Do men get empathy from women for this condition? Or do they just mainly get blamed for their biological burden?)

Now, let me be clear: In no way does strong desire justify inappropriate or abusive speech or behavior. It’s only natural for men to test the waters a little bit (i.e. flirt), but there is no excuse for men to ever make women uncomfortable just because they, the men, are feeling their own biological pressure. If so many men lack refinement, it’s only because they are ignorant of the fact that women are so very different than them … to the extent they project their own cravings onto women, men most certainly lack empathy too. To the extent that we need each other, we just ALL need more empathy for each other, which is the real point behind this blog.

But, even more interesting, testosterone is not the only major reason men are so focused on physical intimacy. There is a significant emotional component involved as well, which is largely denied and hidden by society, including men themselves. There is emotional deprivation behind men’s sexual desires, which is what creates the ‘lovesick’ part. Here again, men are dealing with something that is qualitatively different than the same desire in the experience of women. We’ll explore this second major factor in my next blog.

As I often do, I have been pondering general questions, such as the changing dynamics of intimate  relationships (specifically hetero, my orientation). Ever willing to ask dumb questions, I wonder: What, if anything, do modern women feel they need men for at this point?

Generally speaking, men have tended to look to a mate to satisfy sexual and emotional needs. In general, women have less urgency in getting these particular needs met from men than the other way around (of course, women need and want these things also, but they don’t have as much testosterone/craving for sex and can get a lot of their emotional nourishment from girlfriends, while men are often poverty-conscious in both departments, even if they deny it).  Historically, women’s selection priorities had been more about a male partner’s ability to physically provide for and protect her and their children.

Generally, men’s needs have not changed, and men seem just as dependent upon women for sex and emotional nourishment as ever. But these days women don’t have as much need for protection and provision and, in many cases, no need at all. (And now we have sperm banks!)

Around 1980, there was a bumper sticker that read “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” What do you think? After 40 years of the feminist movement (and greatly increased male-bashing), do you think this sentiment is still growing? Or is romantic fantasy perhaps making a comeback?

Given that women generally can support themselves in our modern society, why exactly do they need men? Obviously, men can be good at catching spiders, fixing a modem or figuring out how much gravel it takes to fill a driveway, but is that enough?

Mars Hill, near the Parthenon, Athens, Greece.

The other day, during my first visit here, I took a tour of the Acropolis, the hill on which the monumental Parthenon, symbol of the glory of Greece, still stands, huge and magnificent. Close by is the much smaller hill of the god Aries — a mound of solid marble with beautifully carved steps leading up to its flat top.

There, civic leaders of democratic Athens would meet to take evidence and hammer out decisions . . . or to conduct selected trials — including all murder trials, which were required to be held outdoors, because the Greeks feared contagion from extreme evildoers if they were enclosed with them.

Paul of Tarsus, the prime stimulus of Christian orthodoxy as we still know it, asked for a Mars Hill meeting with the democrats of Athens to present his case for a new God, one who had incarnated in human form. Now, this Paul was a crafty zealot . . . he had noticed that the Greeks had one statue dedicated to “the unknown god” — kind of like the “tomb of the unknown soldier” — because, in their liberal way, the Greeks were willing to consider there might be some god(s) they didn’t know about yet. Paul saw an opportunity to preach his visions to the Greeks by appealing to their remarkable broad-mindedness. The elders of Athens granted him a hearing.

Paul’s presentation was going OK, until he presented his idea of a human son of God, who rose from the dead and bodily ascended into heaven (Elysian Fields to the Greeks). On top of this, Paul argued that the end of the world was going to happen any day now, at which time the gentle Jesus would come back as a victorious warrior, to smite non-believers, while true believers would also ascend bodily into heaven, in a state of rapture (evidently unaffected by the suffering of their “left-behind” neighbors).

Altogether, these fantastic notions were too much, even for the open-minded, mythology-oriented Greeks. Although they gave him a fair hearing, they could not countenance such ideas, and Paul was dismissed. In this particular instance,  he was not able to put “the fear of God” into his audience, and the wise men of Athens never invited him back.

Considering the modern rise in fundamentalism (in all 3 western religions), there may be a lesson in this for us today. Let the fundamentalists say their piece, refuse to be infected by fear-mongering, politely point out the absurd inconsistency of their beliefs, deny them power and send them on their way. The fact that Paul’s belief system gained ascendancy 300 years later, and formed the basis of Christian doctrine, east and west, speaks not only to the power of his fanatic personality but also to the power of fear combined with magical thinking about personal salvation and even ascension (72 virgins, anyone?)

Except for the likes of Athens’ brightest minds, the ancients were ripe for this combination, for hardly anyone living in that brutal world was educated or literate. The promise of a personal redemption and salvation in exchange for the acceptance of one’s suffering was fairly irresistible to many who had no hope otherwise.

Paul left Athens and marched further into the pagan world. He eventually reached Rome where he was imprisoned (for the umpteenth time) and beheaded (way before the Second Coming).

My recent guest on my Pathways interview show, Michael Beck, is an executive coach who, among other things, helps entrepreneurs and people in general achieve what they want. He thinks we humans are all actually excellent manifestors … much better than we know … in fact, we are successfully manifesting all the time! That’s how good we are — the only problem is that we are generally manifesting things that we DON’T want!

The problem with manifestation techniques like “The Secret” is the illusion that all we need to do is visualize and exercise our wishful thinking a little harder. Well, yes, it certainly does help to focus on our target rather than all the things that can go wrong, but increasing our feeling of attraction is not going to change our general thinking habits which are probably — in our corrupted society — all too much about things that we fear.

So … we are excellent manifestors! In fact, we are doing it constantly and effortlessly. As we dwell (sometimes obsessively) on anxious or worried thoughts, our subconscious makes sure things actually don’t turn out so well as they could. We make bad decisions, alongside our faithful visualizing of better things, and manifest negative results in our personal lives. Too much of the time fear, worry and anxiety dim the clear light of our consciousness. All this negative thinking is bound to produce depressed results, which cannot be simply overwritten by tons of affirmations!

Anxious thinking habits will not be changed easily. To remove such a large dark cloud, we have to unravel its thought-filaments — the core beliefs behind the thoughts. We learn to pay greater attention to what’s going through our heads, and then use that awareness to change our minds … to evolve our current beliefs … to learn. The recognizing and upgrading of habitual thinking is more difficult than the other two manifestation steps (getting a clear vision and taking action), but as we progress we will immediately start making better decisions that will change our results.

Explaining how to do this is just one of the nuggets of wisdom that Mr. Beck shares in my interview of him on Divination.com.

Recently, I interviewed Geneen Roth, author of the new book Lost and Found: Unexpected Revelations about Money and Food (podcast on Divination.com). Hers  is the moving story of how, after decades of struggling with (and overcoming) eating disorders, she discovered that the same dynamics were also present in her unconscious relationship with money, and causing her as much psychological pain.

In Ms. Roth’s case, the trigger event that led her to realize her dynamics around money was losing her family’s entire life savings of 30 years to the swindler, Bernie Madoff — a fascinating wake-up call of a tale in itself. The book swings between her true story and the profound learnings that came out of it — lessons that actually apply to most of us.

People deal with money the way they deal with food, she says. Diet and binge translates to scrimp and splurge. No matter how much is available, we feel and act as if there is never enough and we worry about running out. Financial advisors report that even the very rich want to have twice of what they have now, no matter how much that is.

We need to take a look at this “accumulation sickness” — our demand for “more, more, more” (whether it be for money, food or even attention) — because our competitive greed is making us and our planet sick. One chapter of her book is dedicated to the concept of “What is enough?” If we are so driven for more that we  never feel contentment, what about our capacity to feel love, gratitude and serenity?

This book helped me to take a fresh look at what money is and how we change our way of thinking for the sake of our own health and happiness. For most of us who are not starving, whether we think we have “enough” or not is essentially a psychological and spiritual problem.

For more, check out the interview via free download or iTunes.

On March 11 a devastating earthquake hit Japan, generating a tidal wave that wiped out a huge swath of Japan and caused damage as far away as Oregon and California, hitting Hawaii on the way. In Maui, the wave was expected to arrive at 3:30 in the morning. I was staying in a high-rise condo in Kihei, which is right on a fairly sheltered beach, with my son and baby grandson who had already gone to bed.

The first warning came in an email that evening from a friend who lives uphill in Maui, at which point I turned on TV to see non-stop coverage, which primarily kept repeating videos of extreme destruction in Japan. Every half hour or so, the reporter would almost reluctantly switch out to a scientist who explained that, because of the way the earth’s crust had shifted in this quake, the big tidal wave would be the one moving west into nearby Japan. The one moving east, on the other hand — going over 3000 miles of ocean before reaching Hawaii — was only expected to produce a surge of 3-5 feet above normal.

This scientific prediction was easy to miss on TV, because it was given hardly any air time and absolutely NO emphasis. Also, when they mentioned that the wave would hit the Midway Islands (where there is a U.S. military base) hours before Hawaii, I logically figured out that they were going to be able to get a fairly exact reading by what would be measurable at Midway. I don’t think this logical conclusion, which calmed me greatly, was mentioned by the reporters at all!

Anyway, it seemed obvious that even 5-foot higher waves would probably not touch the Mana Kai building — which is about 10 feet above sea level and built like a rock.  And we were on the 7th floor after all. Besides, I knew the scientist would be able to predict exactly what to expect way ahead of time. So, I committed myself to only pay attention to relevant information for the rest of the night — a difficult skill to practice in these days of information overkill (even more so when blaring sirens are going off).

Still, it was not an easy decision. There was constant external pressure to react, to DO something. Should I wake up my son and grandson so we could try to drive up to higher ground in the middle of the night, like some of the 5-star hotels were forcing scared tourists to do? The news was incessantly alarmist, the images of Japan horrifying, the building staff rang our doorbell at 1 am, tsunami warning sirens blared all night, the staff then called our landline at 2 am. I didn’t answer.

By then, I had made my decision — with the help of logic and I Ching divination. Divination is about perceiving what is real, seeing through appearances. It is a tool to help us see more clearly by stimulating our higher intuition, so that we are able to make better, more balanced decisions. I had to make a judgment call about the reality of the danger level, which is super challenging when the imagination is simultaneously being fed horrific threatening images. And, adding to the pressure, my decision was not just about me, but for my family too.

I decided to track the wave through to Midway before deciding to go anywhere. I also considered that even if the wave were 10 feet high, the wisest thing to do might be to stick it out high up on the 7th floor of a very strong building, rather than wake up the baby and possibly get stuck in a dangerous traffic jam after all. Also, I did some calming breaths while consulting the I Ching (online).

I put my faith in logic plus an activated intuition — which is the “enlightened decision making” approach that I teach at the Divination Foundation. I made my decision using both left brain logic along with right brain intuition meditating on what is real.

I didn’t get much sleep that night — hardly anyone on Maui did (except my grandson, who benefited greatly . But my enlightened decision making skill got a little stronger through practice. I felt affirmed by what the Visionary I Ching told me “The ability to maintain stillness and composure in the midst of a chaotic world is a noble-hearted achievement.”

In personal growth trainings, it is said “What you expect is what you get” — an idea that jibes with my teachings on the power of beliefs (and why we should consciously choose our own). In other words — if you expect to fail, get ready to fall! If you expect to succeed, your ‘luck’ will greatly improve. If you are afraid a dog is going to bite you, the odds of that happening have just gone way up!

Buddha said, “as you think, so you become.” The bible says, “as you think in your heart, so ye shall be.” John Lennon sang “Instant karma’s gonna get you!”

Despite the song, karma is not always “instant” — in fact, it is rarely so. But one case where karma is instant is fearful thinking. The moment our minds dwells on fear thoughts — anxiety, paranoia, etc. — karma instantly manifests in how our bodies react with adrenaline, exaggerated black-and-white thinking, and a fight or flight response. And this all happens right away, whether or not the threat is real. Furthermore, such thinking, when sustained, actually fosters the development of new, more threatening conditions (like that dog who picks up on the fear energy) — a vicious downward cycle, fueled by our own thinking.

Here’s another example: According to a recent survey by Portland State University, people believe crime is on the rise when, in fact, it’s at record-low levels. Rates of violent crimes and property crimes are actually lower than they’ve been since the 1960s and they continue to fall. The gaping disparity between perception and reality can affect everything from public policy to law enforcement’s ability to keep the public safe — even simple livability and peace of mind.

Things are almost never as bad as they seem and it pays to pay attention lest our thinking help make it so!

Recently, I interviewed Sherry Turkle, author of the new book Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other for my Pathways radio show/podcast. In it, the eminent social psychologist explores the boundaries between intimacy and solitude, and shows how social media can have a corrosive effect on both.

The book contains two intertwined stories — the effects of social networking on our lives now and the “sociable robots” of tomorrow — the “nannybots” and “eldercarebots” who will presumably be taking care of us tomorrow (until they pull the plug? .

In the meantime, our digital age is spawning a false intimacy at the expense of real intimacy with the help of social networking (“the commodification of friendship?”). As Ms. Turkle points out, claiming many fake friends is no substitute for having close contact with a few real ones. While the frantic activity to keep up with a maximum number of so-called friends consumes our personal time, we are left feeling strangely lonely and unfulfilled.

Now, there are indeed great uses for social networks — like helping far-flung families stay connected, or organizing around common interests — but the most common use of things like Facebook is to go onstage and recreate oneself as an online persona, some popular person … and then pretend that everyone, including people you don’t really know, should care how you liked a movie or whether you give a thumbs up to the new american idol (performance fantasies personified!).

Online profiles with stacks of staged photos are a performance piece. We replace the time and opportunity that could be had for real intimacy to maintain what is essentially an online act.

Interestingly, Ms. Turkle says performance anxiety is also the reason why most teens (and some adults) would rather text than talk — it’s easier to manage one’s performance when you don’t have to take the risk you might not say something just right. In the good old days, real friends didn’t worry about things like that!

I was brought up learning that if I was perfect – if I behaved well, pleased my parents, got all As in school, etc. — I could “earn” a little bit of love. Without knowing it, I was developing a core belief in my little brain that I needed to be perfect in order to be loved. (A core belief is one that you hold subconsciously, sometimes for life — if you don’t do emotional work on yourself.) Love from one’s parents being so vital for a child, I soon developed into a perfectionist.

My mother believed, or seemed to believe, that criticism was a form of love, because it made me better (and, God bless her, I’m quite sure she was most critical of herself throughout her life). But perfectionism is not a loving posture. The question that preoccupies the perfectionist is not how relatively well you have been doing, but what is still “wrong” with you!

The positive side is that my parents had high standards that I learned to reach for. And, I must say, I have accomplished some good things as a result of going for it (not to mention experiencing a fair amount of pressure and anxiety). But in terms of loving myself (and others) — which is the most important task in life, after all — my most significant accomplishment is recognizing that unconscious core belief, discrediting it and freeing myself from its tight grip.

In our lonely performance-based culture that thrives on making impressions and getting as much attention as possible, it’s good to remember that you don’t have to earn love in order to feel it, receive it or give it to yourself. You deserved it from the get-go!

This year, before we get too carried away down our own chosen paths of self-improvement and over-achievement, let us consider how all of our best intentions can make an excellent, if accidental, excuse for the mental disease of what is called “hurry sickness.”

This refers to the common malaise where a person always feels short of time, tends to perform every task as quickly and efficiently as possible, and/or gets flustered whenever encountering any kind of delay. “Hurry sickness” was coined in the 1950s when scientists were researching personality types and came up with the now-classic “Type A personality” definition, a key element of which was a “harrying sense of time urgency.”

This feeling of urgency is not necessarily associated with doing the things that are important. For instance, I know I can feel rushed even going for a walk — as if I must have a destination, or be in a hurry to “get somewhere” … no lollygagging, please (I love that early American word “lollygag”). I can be in a hurry reading, as I rush through a book to achieve completion, i.e. getting to the end of the story. And rushing when I play golf is just terrible for the tempo of my swing! How commonly do we observe people’s hurry to get off of an airplane, so that they can stand by an empty baggage claim that much sooner? How absurd we are to hurry up and wait!

Perhaps we should include in our new resolutions allocating some time to go off the clock. In fact, this is one of the prescribed antidotes to hurry sickness:  as you plan each day and look ahead to the week, block out windows of time to simply go off the clock. This might include taking off your watch for an evening or weekend, or deliberately enjoying daydreaming. When was the last time you set aside time for doodling?

All the spiritual disciplines recommend that you plan silence into your life, a period of meditation. How much healthier and more creative would we be if we allowed ourselves the luxury of listening to our bodies, our feelings and intuition? The inspiration of genius arises out of silence.

Afterward, when you evaluate your day, week or month, treat yourself to some rewards for however much you have succeeded in creating a little more of a balance between doing and being, accomplishing work and smelling the roses, being efficient and becoming aware. Good luck!

They say that the wealthy are lucky in that they have a greater capacity to be generous. This is true on the material plane — and in many cases also in terms of time — but the practice of generosity is really always there for everyone but the starving. Everyone has something to give, if only a little of one’s time, if only one moment of kindness.

Experience teaches that the practice of generosity enlarges us. It also makes us more attractive. Generosity, even more than gratitude (to which it is related), is ‘the secret behind the secret’ of the power of attraction.

It’s never to late to start a regular practice of generosity. And, once you do, it doesn’t take a lot of time before you’ll find that giving is fulfilling and fun — actually more fun than taking. Generosity is even an aphrodisiac!

1. When you want to give someone something, first consider what kind of non-material type of gift you could give, perhaps something that involved a commitment of your time and energy.
2. Give only what you can afford to give, and if you feel an important personal relationship will benefit from your giving, do it with no expectation of return. If you feel inspired to express some love to another person, make it a point to find a way to let them know. Giving is an excellent way.
3. The best gifts are not any sort of wrapped thing, or any thing at all. Offering to do something for someone (how about a certificate they can redeem with you later?), or committing to making some time for them, can be much more meaningful than any material object that they might not even like! If you are not willing to commit to spending time with someone, in order to avoid creating false expectations, you probably shouldn’t give them what would be a token gift at all.

This is a wonderful time of the year to give and receive freely, which all starts with the practice of generosity. Enjoy!

Most biologists still maintain that the so-called mind is but a function of brain chemistry, a product of the brain. Introspective mystics, on the other hand, have maintained that the mind is bigger than the brain, and in fact is part of the creative matrix that created the brain. This is a big topic, and my latest research book, entitled ‘Buddha’s Brain,’ sheds much light on the subject.

Furthermore, after explaining brain chemistry behind happiness, depression, desires, anxieties, etc., the book goes into the many ways that we can intentionally use our mind to affect our own brain chemistry, and so much more … fascinating!

New research in neuroscience has proven that fear thoughts are considerably stronger and “stickier” than happy thoughts, because the survival instincts of the primitive parts of our brain are primed much more for avoidance than approach, “because it’s the negative experiences, not the positive ones, that have generally had the most impact on survival.”

The good news is that simple awareness meditation techniques can balance this “negativity bias” by increasing neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin in the brain (exercise is good too … Buddha and Jesus did quite a bit of walking!). “When you understand why you feel nervous, annoyed, hassled, driven, blue or inadequate, those feelings have less power over you. This by itself can bring some relief.”

There’s way too much new wisdom in this book to cover in a blog, but I will leave you with one last tidbit — about skillful speech: “When you speak, keep coming back to your own experience — notably, your emotions, body sensations, and underlying hopes and wishes — rather than talking about events, such as the other person’s actions, and your opinions about them. No one can argue with your experience; it is what it is, and you are the world’s expert on it … practice noncontention … don’t argue unless you have to. Inside your own mind, try not to get swirled along by the mind-streams of other people.

Your ill will always harms you, but often it has no effect on the other person; as they say in twelve-step programs: resentment is when I take poison and wait for you to die.”

How fortunate we are in that, by using simple techniques, we can learn to be in charge of our brain instead of the other way around … good luck to all of us in this life-changing practice!

Recently, I digested another excellent brain book, “The Male Brain.” In this fascinating follow-up to her bestselling “The Female Brain,” Harvard neuropsychiatrist Dr. Louann Brizendine leads readers through the lifespan of a man’s brain. To put this in a social perspective, let me quote:

“I now know from my twenty-five years of research and clinical work that both men and women have a deep misunderstanding of the biological and social instincts that drive the other sex. As women, we may love men, live with men, and bear sons, but we have yet to understand men and boys. They are more than their gender and sexuality, and yet it is intrinsic to who they are. And it further complicates matters that neither women nor men have a good sense of what the others’ brains or bodies are doing from one moment to the next. We are mostly oblivious to the underlying work performed by different genes, neurochemicals, and hormones.”

Mostly oblivious? Yup, you bet we are … and in both directions. Reading Dr. Brizendine’s two books has helped me realize how extremely oblivious we are (and I certainly include myself) to the central role of our brains’ chemistry in our relationships with others and, indeed, ourselves. In addition, the book was a learning pleasure, chock-full of  interesting conclusions based on scientific research, like the following tidbits:

Once he reaches manhood, he will likely find himself pondering an age-old question: What do women want? While no one has a definitive answer to that question, men do know what women and society in general want and expect from them. Men must be strong, brave, and independent. They grow up with the pressure to suppress their fear and pain, to hide their softer emotions, to stand confidently in the face of challenge.

—

The female brain is trying to discern whether a man has what it takes to be a good protector and provider. Researchers find that this holds true regardless of a woman’s level of education or financial independence. … In studies of mating behavior in primates, biologists have discovered that females have more sex with males who bring them meat.

Brain chemistry is very complicated, but new brain-scanning technologies are amazing. The author does a great job explaining the different effects of the major neuro-transmitters (testosterone, estrogen, oxytocin, etc) — differing levels of which create such different brains in males and females.  Regardless of gender, “brain-mindfulness” is what I’m calling the emerging skill of becoming aware of — and actually affecting — our own brain chemistry, to the advantage of greater love and happiness (look for future blog on the book “Buddha’s Brain” .

Recently, I went to Ecuador where I was interviewed on Radio Quito (about “intuitive decision making” and the I Ching). In turn, I taped interviews with leaders of the rain forest environmental movement for Pathways radio and podcast.

Ecuadorians — especially the people of the city of Cuenca –  are especially lively, open-hearted and gracious. For instance, how strange — and nice — it is that Ecuadorians throw spontaneous street festivals for seemingly no reason … like a recent Wed evening in the main square of Cuenca, which featured a dance performance followed by a grand finale of wild spinning fireworks.

There I was, sitting on a park bench in the square wearing my new Panama hat (which are  made in Ecuador) when a 12-piece band and a spinning folkloric dance performance seemed to arise out of nowhere. The dancers were 6 beautiful young ladies in vividly colorful dresses and 6 strapping lads whose pants appeared to be patched with some kind of fur.

Towards the end of their exuberant performance, each of the dancers gave one spectator a long-stem rose and, as I was standing near the front, one of the beautiful girls gave one to me. Soon after, that same athletic danseuse  returned and pulled me with her into the final dance. There I was, in front of a crowd of about 200 people, wearing my new broad-brimmed hat, and holding the long stem of that rose between my teeth while I tried to keep up … even pretending (medium-level salsa dancer that I am) that I was actually leading my whirling barefoot partner, her skirt flying high, a patchwork of bright reds and pinks. After the dance was over, as I sheepishly merged back into the crowd, an american woman standing nearby said to me, “You sure are a good sport” … whereupon I immediately gave her the rose!

The entire cultural experience was so spontaneous … and honest. There was no pretense about what was a joyful celebration of community life. It was obvious the dancers had rehearsed, that they had done this before. I wish, in retrospect, that I had trotted out my hobbled Spanish (along with my two left feet and had asked somebody what the occasion was … but, you know, it really didn’t seem to matter … celebration is just a good thing, no matter what the reason!

Oct 2010: On location in Ecuador, South America, on behalf of the Divination Foundation. Soon after I arrived in Quito from New York, I met with Natalia Greene, the charismatic political programs director for Pachamama Rain Forest Alliance, one of my favorite environmental organizations, and I taped an interview of her for my Pathways program (which will be podcast on divination.com soon).

The Pachamama Alliance, with HQ near San Francisco, has had a long-standing, almost mystical relationship with the Achuar Indians of the Ecuadorian Amazon rainforest region (“pachamama” means “mother nature”). Having been invited in by the Achuar, they now have official offices in Ecuador that work with the indigenous tribes and lobby the government.

Ms Greene is a very pleasant 28 year-old Ecuadorian, earned a degree in Political Science in the USA, plus a Masters in Ecuador. In addition to having a keen intellect, she is a very warm person. (I particularly like the Ecuadorian custom of kissing on the cheek at every meeting, including the first!) Luckily for me, Natalia’s English is excellent, and I learned a lot about the unique situation and promise of Ecuador.

As a tireless environmental lobbyist in a small country, Natalia had a hand (and lots of long days) in the lobbying for a special clause in Ecuador’s new constitution — a “Rights of Nature” clause — that grants Nature  legal rights against lethal harm. It’s nothing short of amazing that such a clause could make it into the constitution of any nation on earth, and it speaks volumes about the rising consciousness of Ecuador as a country and community.

Although the clause has yet to be tested, what it theoretically means is that a citizen can sue on behalf of Nature to prevent or redress harm done to Nature, our common heritage and absolutely vital support system. Wow … congratulations, Ecuador … and muchas gracias!

Reality never lives up to our fantasies. It’s never as good … or as bad either. But reality never lives up to fantasy’s billing, whether our visions were of sublime pleasure or impending doom. The fulfillment of our desires is never as good as we imagined … in fact, the feeling of pleasure may be less than it was when we were daydreaming about it. As for gloom and doom, things are never as catastrophic as our fears make them seem (a good thing to remember the next time you get paranoid .

Fantasy can inspire us, and our dreams can stimulate us toward trying new things. Creativity needs this, so some fantasy is excellent. But if we habitually seek refuge in some favorite fantasy (or two), it is likely that we are spending time avoiding some area of our real lives. Our favorite fantasies have much in common with belief systems that came down from ancient scriptures — they are rigid compared to reality. We get to be totally in control, which is what our lack of confidence craves, and seeking control is a large part of why modern humans resort to non-stop distractions, chit-chat, entertainments and daydreams.

The dance of life is too dynamic for much control — it is an improvisational work in progress, featuring important relationships. It is a dance hall full of uncertainty, miscalculations and missteps. It’s risky, always risky. Fantasy is easy, available and tempting. But too much indulgence and your ability to make the right moves at the right time, with any kind of rhythm, is compromised. When it comes to feeling good overall, trying to stay in control doesn’t work. C’mon … let’s practice our dancing!

In my last blog, I brought up the subject of “faith” and what it means … and how passionately some people are willing to insist that — in order to be “saved” (or some equivalent) — one MUST pledge allegiance to one “correct” set of beliefs (theirs, of course!). But when most people say, “I believe in God,” can they even describe what they mean?

One of the commenters to my last blog remarked how important “faith in God” is — mentioning God as the universal source of love, etc. (He also weighs in on how “evolution” is a false belief, even though evolution can be (and is) viewed by many Christians as a very elegant example of “intelligent design.”)

Except for his dismissal of science (with regard to evolution), however, I do not disagree with him — depending, of course, upon what he means by “God.” The word means so many different things to different people, in different cultures (on different planets?) … it conjures up a multitude of images and myths. I don’t think the word “God” should ever be used unless one is prepared to define what one means by it. Otherwise, how can anyone reasonably ask people to “believe in” Him (or It, or whatever he has in mind). Believe in what? It’s absurd to assume, in this multicultural world (and country), that everyone knows what you mean.

This only highlights the problem of using one’s “faith” as a good barometer of anything real, and the problem of blindly trusting “faith-based” positions in general. The genius of the American political system, as it was set up by our Founding Fathers, was in freeing all citizens from having to conform to any religious or political belief systems. No dogmatic mind control is allowed in a free society — thus we have separation of church and state, one of the foundations of the American political system.

In response to another comment, by talking about the unreliability of being too sure about one’s beliefs, I am not having a “crisis of faith.” In fact, my faith, as subject to renewal as it is, has never been stronger. For instance, I have a lot of faith in many ideas (including my own concept of “God”) as being true, even if I am committed to allowing my beliefs to be subject to change (aka “learning”).

I don’t think it is infallible, but I have faith in my intuition. I never declare a belief in any concept that doesn’t make sense logically and intuitively. If I make a mistake — as we all do — I chalk it up to a learning experience. If believing in your own “God-given” intelligence is not faith, I don’t know what is!

It seems that more and more people are living in a “faith-based” reality, where the harder you believe something the more true it is (or at least seems to you). But just because one believes (or feels) very strongly about something does not increase its objective truth (or applicability to other people). Otherwise, we are dealing with what media genius Stephen Colbert calls “truthiness.”

What passes for political discourse in America’s increasingly uneducated society reminds me of a recent debate between Sam Harris and Deepak Chopra — entitled “Does God Have a Future” (worth a Google) – wherein Sam responds with the memorable line “Repeating something over and over and saying it louder doesn’t make it more true.”

His partner, scientific atheist Jim Shermer, later asks: “Why does belief matter? Shouldn’t it matter more how you comport yourself in life and how you treat other people?” In a society still under the thrall of bronze-age scriptures, this is a highly relevant question. If there is a God, I doubt very much that he cares what ignorant humans happen to believe, or that Jesus is going to sort us at some last judgment on that basis.

Furthermore, the idea that we can be saved by faith alone is a socially scary one — people have been made to do all sorts of insanely violent things based on faith, in the name of religion (like killing people in “holy wars” or burning each other’s “holy books”).

If we need faith (and I’m not saying we don’t), why not cultivate faith in our ability to learn and adapt, rather than in rigid belief systems? This would be faith in oneself, or self-confidence — a very good thing.

It seems my last blog stimulated a bit of controversy. Some emotions ran awfully high, which surprised my naive self. Some commentors condemned the book I mentioned, The Female Brain (which they admitted they were not familiar with … some sort of prejudice seemed to be operating …), as they condemned me, too, for blogging about something I learned from the book.

The Female Brain was not written for a middle-aged man like me … I’m sure it was written for women (as are most books these days) … and by a female researcher who is a scientist with feminist leanings. Nevertheless, I learned much from it.

Oh yes, I’ve known about the power of hormones before, but The Female Brain went into biological detail in a clear way that made it possible for me to better understand things in some depth. Yes, I had heard that the brain structures of men and women are significantly different, but I had not known much about the hormones and their effect on our brains until I read this book, which says a lot about the male brain, too.

As a man who has been consciously trying to develop his own intuition for many years (with some help from classical divination systems), and as a passionate lifelong learner, I found the scientific arguments for how much greater an intuitive aptitude my women friends have to be fascinating. I came to understand how biology plays a part, on top of women’s superior ability to intuit things, which is supported throughout their natural development by a comparative abundance of estrogen and oxytocin. As Dr. Brizendine puts it,

“The female brain has tremendous unique aptitudes — outstanding verbal agility, the ability to connect deeply in friendship, a nearly psychic capacity to read faces and tone of voice for emotions and states of mind, and the ability to defuse conflict. All of this is hardwired into the brains of women.”

More psychic? When I think about it, that does ring true!

In another section of the book, highlighting a major difference between women and men, she points out:

“Between the ages of eight and fourteen, a girl’s estrogen level increases ten to twenty times, but her testosterone level rises only about five times. A boy’s testosterone level increases twenty-five-fold between ages nine and fifteen. With all that extra sexual rocket fuel, teen boys typically have three times more sex drive than girls of the same age — a difference that will persist through life. And while boys have a constantly rising level of testosterone through puberty, girls’ sexual hormones ebb and flow each week — changing their sexual interest almost daily. If a female’s testosterone drops below a certain level, she’ll lose sexual interest altogether.”

My next read will be: The Male Brain by the same author.

Pray tell: Do you think it’s worthwhile for people to explore (and talk about) the differences between males and females of our species? Or must we play it safe, be politically correct and simply deny that such differences could possibly mean much? Or, do you think it’s basically impossible for men and women to understand each other or much improve, through that understanding, how we get along in relationship? Comments?

Just finished the book The Female Brain. Wow … I can see that I needed more insight into what you ladies are dealing with … and am so glad for the increased knowledge!

Every 28 days or so, your brain is bobbing in a sea of fluctuating hormones. (Although I haven’t read her book The Male Brain yet, I know that men must be much more boring.) For one thing, I can see how a better understanding of your own and your friends’ cycles could improve  social networking! And, for males flooded with massive amounts of testosterone most of the time, it would be useful to have some clue as to when is a better time to approach your sweetie … and when is not!

And, of course, women have to deal with monumentally transforming events that involve massive amounts of hormone changes — things like pregnancy, childbirth, menopause. We males have changes of our own in life, but nothing even remotely like this!

This book should be required reading for everyone (I’d recommend gifting it to your mate). I can tell you, as a man, it has increased my empathy for women (and improved my timing!). Oh, yes … sometimes there’s tension, but never a dull moment … viva la difference!



Saturn’s orbit is approximately 29 years, so your third Saturn cycle begins around age 58. Now that I have reached this stage, I call it my “third act” … and it’s about sharing, supporting and teaching.

Now, of course, these “stages” are not precisely timed. Many people (especially these days) continue the “earning” stage well beyond 58, or even 65 for that matter. And many of us were sharing, supporting and teaching during Stage 1 or Stage 2, even while we were pursuing an education or ways to pay the bills.

My Stage 3 began when I sold the business I had started. I became a grandfather around the same time, which so nicely initiated me into the joys of being generous, by helping it feel so natural. What a heart-opener that little tyke has been for me … may the generous impulses he stimulates in me, and the joy that I get from indulging them, continue to expand (for me, via non-profit work and teaching).

True generosity is a joyous thing that can take many forms. As the author of Plenitude — The New Economics of True Wealth points out, we all have more than we know — if not monetarily, in our knowledge, skills, creativity, connections, time, attention and enjoyment of nature. How much do we take these forms of “true wealth” for granted, rather than sharing this abundance with others? “How can I help?” Ram Dass famously asked, as the title of a book he wrote after entering Stage 3.

Even if you are still busy being a student of life (Stage 1) or a producer (Stage 2), know that you have a joyous “third act” to look forward to — where sharing and supporting no longer feel like a responsibility or another thing you “should” do, but a pure natural pleasure!

Your second Saturn Cycle begins around age 29 or 30. By now (depending upon your emotional maturity), you will have learned as much as you could about what you like and what you are good at  (and, for some of us, who you want to live with).

The first Saturn cycle stage of life is about learning as much as you can, especially about yourself. The second stage is about being productive, which requires some commitment (although this does not have to be a commitment to something new … it could be renewed commitment to something you are already doing).

During this stage, you do those things you discovered you care about and want to do — whether it be raising a family, developing a career, starting a business, non-profit work … whatever. You know who you are … the sun of self-acceptance is shining, you do the best you can to produce a meaningful life for yourself … and you make hay while that sun shines!

Alice Bailey, a mystical writer in the 1930’s, wrote something that helped me not be overly anxious when I was beginning Stage 2. Somewhere in one of her many books, she wrote that the average human is not clear about her or his mission in this lifetime until about age 35. I was 30 when I read that and I breathed a huge sigh of relief! (It was not until I was 38 that I discovered my mission, which was to invent and develop divination software.)

Next: Stage 3. This is the one that I’m just starting — the ‘Give-Back’ Stage.

Recently I gave a talk to the student body of NW Academy, a special Portland high-school for the arts. The title of my talk was “Do What You Love and the Freedom Will Follow.” In it I mapped human life into three stages, corresponding to the astrological phenomena known as “Saturn returns” (see wiki on this).

Saturn has an elliptical orbit that takes from 28-30 years, so a person’s first “Saturn Return” comes to roost just before age 30, the second one culminates about age 59, and the third one around age 88. As Wikipedia (currently) puts it “It is believed by astrologers that as Saturn returns to the degree it occupied at the time of birth … a person crosses over a major threshold and into the next stage of life.” I discuss these ‘Saturn cycle stages’ in my speech, starting with the first one (the one most relevant to students).

Stage 1 — the first 29 years of life — is your primary “learning phase” — when you learn who you are, what you are good at, what you like to do. How should you go about all this? By experimenting, by taking chances (while you are young and daring … by trying things out!

It’s absurd, in my opinion, that we expect 18 or 19 year-olds to select and stick with “a major” or to focus on any kind of career at that age. Way premature! My general, if radical, advice to kids in their 20s is to NOT make major commitments — to career paths, organizations, or relationships (except under exceptional circumstances, of course). Plan on making the big commitments around age 30.

Instead, my advice to those in the student stage of life to take all different kinds of classes, read a lot of books, trek the world (there are low-budget ways to do this, or to work one’s way around) and, in general, job-hop to see what different types of work you might like. If you don’t try lots of different things, how are you going to discover parts of yourself that you couldn’t know before, possibly parts that your parents don’t approve of? The 20s are a time to individuate, not conform!

Next blog: Stage 2, your second Saturn cycle — time to do what you have discovered you love — and to do it with gusto!