Paulo's Perspective

Dear Paulo, How do I relate with someone whom I lost all respect for as the result of our romantic relationship that is now over? Unfortunately, I can’t just avoid him, because we share a social network that includes several friends and interest groups in common, and neither of us wants to lose a big part of our life just because we didn’t work out.
– Delilah, Portland Age 33.


First of all, let go of any residual blame. Forgive the other person for not having lived up to the projections you shined on him (and vice-versa, to be sure). We all have a reflected sense of self, and enjoy being other-validated. It feels good to be desired and appreciated; it’s intoxicating. But now is the time to hold onto the part of you that is self-validating. To this highly conscious part, everything happens for a good reason (i.e. personal growth), and it just doesn’t matter what other people think (they don’t do it that much anyway :-).

Considering that you are going to be running into this guy, however, it’s useful to realize that you will be having an ongoing ‘relationship’ with him, whether you like it or not. What you are Continue Reading or Share »

I have 3 children, my youngest being 14 months. This is the first time in my life that I have not had to work and am able to be a stay-at-home mom. My dilemma is, first of all, that I feel guilty because my other kids might feel that they got the short end of the stick because they both were in daycare by the time they were 3 months old. Secondly, I also am used to working and making my own money (good money) and I don't like feeling I have to ask what's in the bank, when my husband gets paid, if I can pay certain bills, etc. It's a control issue I guess. My biggest issue is I'm always thinking will my future be financially secure for my kids & family even if I'm not working? I would feel much better & secure if I knew we would be financially comfortable either way. Hope to get your advice & thoughts.
- Michelle
Tampa, Florida

Michelle, you have no reason to feel guilty. Trust your internal guidance system. After all, would you want to deprive your third child of as much maternal attention as you can, just because you were not  able to give as much to your first two? Outside of worrying about what others might think (an external  guida



... Continue Reading or Share »

Dear Paulo, After 30 years of a "wonderful marriage," as my husband called it, he is asking for a divorce. We are both 55 and I believe there is another woman. He apparently has been planning this for about 8 years. "I don't LOVE YOU anymore!"

I thought we had the perfect marriage: beautiful home, kids through college, ready for retirement. Now, I am told, I will need to get a job and take care of my self. If you have any words of wisdom, I am all ears. I have told him that I am willing to forgive and forget! I know I am not the only one that this happens to ... how can a person be so selfish and cruel? I have cut his hair, done his laundry and raised our children for those 30 years, not to mention, moved 8 times for his job and worked and found employment for my self.

- Barb, Houston, TX

Figuring out his psychology is not that relevant any more (you're probably not that good at it anyway, considering how unaware you have been for 8 years). Unfortunately, living in a bubble only contributes to bitterness later on, which feeling now hurts you more than it hurts him. It will help you make better decisions going forward to become as self-soothing an





... Continue Reading or Share »

My husband and I have been separated for 4 years. We have seen each other on and off. I have always been the one to walk away from the relationship each time. Recently I have experienced a huge karmic kick in the butt. I have been trying to make amends with him and have apologized profusely. He has basically rejected my suggestions to try again and work on our marriage. I know we love each other still and I do feel him around me. Where do I go from here? - Monika, Concord, MA

How many times do you think you can you reject someone and expect him to come back for more? It may be too late. He's given you more than enough chances, he may feel that he can’t trust anything you say. Or perhaps his ego needs to exact a price (beyond apologies) for all the rejection. Are you willing to go beyond apologizing and  make amends … to deal with that karma you mention? Is there anything you can generously offer him to try to make up for what he feels he's gone through? If you’ve hurt someone, saying ‘sorry’ is too easy and never enough. Try adding "… and what can I do to make it up to you?" and hope the other party will  give you something (within reason) to do

... Continue Reading or Share »

Hello Paulo, I have been struggling with the loss of my daughter Melissa who was murdered by her 2nd cousin over 5 yrs ago and I still can’t seem to communicate with her or really come to terms with her death ... but sometimes I feel she is near me. I would also really like to know what really happened that day and if everyone is in prison that should be. -- Heather

When someone very close has died, your emotional attachment to that person does not also die. No ... and this becomes a MAJOR letting go challenge! (Traumatic images do not help in the grieving process, that is for sure, and may call for therapy.)

Trying to communicate with your deceased daughter, or dwelling on the details of what happened, punishment, etc ... while these are emotionally understandable, they are psychologically counterproductive to your real challenge. Your focus needs to be on actually grieving, the LETTING GO part. It may help if you think of your grieving process as one of you releasing your daughter (from your emotional grip, for one thing). Breathing exercise (several times/day): Think "letting" with your inbreath, and "go" with the outbreath, as



... Continue Reading or Share »

Dear Paulo,

How do you reconcile a seemingly intractable relationship imbalance and uncertainty of a future? My significant other and I have been together for 5 years and share many values, experiences, and interests. The imbalance is in how our different scales of economy translate to differences in leisure time, discretionary dollars, and planning for a future. He is proud that he worked hard to create a lifestyle that gives him flexibility in his schedule and ample leisure time to travel, exercise, watch movies, or just hang out.

My work is mostly an 8-5 gig with 3-4 weeks of vacation. I value and maintain a wide circle of friends. This along with cooking nourishes my soul. We spend a lot of time together and maintain separate homes.

 

To be honest, I am jealous of the free time he has and don’t see being able to join him in his lifestyle for another 10-15 years. That leaves the period between now and then ambiguous. I would like to have a collective sense of direction for a future together if we are going to commit our lives together. I feel the imminence of middle age and need to be aggressive about “catching up” to his







... Continue Reading or Share »

Dear Paulo,

My dentist seems to think it is OK for his staff to cause injury and pain.  One of my teeth has required multiple visits, and each have been fraught with mistakes resulting in months of intense pain.  They assure me they will make it right; however, after multiple attempts, I don't want to go through more mistakes and pain.

At this time I would like another dentist to perform the work since this one is incompetent and have this dentist pay the fees for the correction of the work as well as refunding my money for services not delivered.  But the dentist refuses to be responsible for the actions delivered to the tooth and doesn't think that my having come three times for the same procedure makes it fair in asking her to even refund my money.  I'd like divine right action - what is the best way to proceed?

- Jacki  Age: 30-39

Jacki, sometimes right action demands that you call forth your inner warrior and defend some boundaries. Sometimes it calls for walking away and chalking up a loss to karma. You best make that decision using both logic and intuition, with an eye towards not adding to the suffering you've already e







... Continue Reading or Share »

Dear Paulo, I have decided to retire from my government job in the near future. My long career has had its ups and downs, but increasingly, I feel the value of my job is diminished by mindless procedures and focus on personal ego. When I was offered a job by an old friend whose new business is taking off, I had a strong feeling it was time to go. But I also have a nagging concern about whether the new job will work out, and what to do if it doesn’t. What direction should I take then? I have good business skills, have always wanted to write (some ability runs in my family), plus I sense other untapped creativity. But I lack a concrete goal. It’s been a long haul, and I feel exhausted. Any advice would be appreciated.
-- Della in Amesbury MA

Della, when it comes to trying completely new things there is no way to be sure of anything. Whenever we move out beyond our established "comfort zone,"we are taking a risk, and risks make us nervous. As it is said, fear and excitement are two sides of the same coin. But questions linger: Is the job offered by your old friend the right choice for you? Is he going to be able to pay you? On the other hand, should you take a sabbati


... Continue Reading or Share »

Paulo, I have been struggling with the loss of my daughter Melissa, who was murdered by her second cousin over 5 yrs ago and I still can’t seem to communicate with her or really come to terms with her death ... but sometimes I feel she is near me. I would also really like to know what really happened that day and if everyone is in prison that should be. -- Heather

Heather, I know it's easier to recommend this than to actually do it, but you do need to let go -- not only for your own peace of mind, but also arguably for Melissa's sake. A great spiritual teacher, Mataji Indra Devi, once taught me that the deceased need us to stop hanging on, so as to release her soul to move forward. According to this point of view, your attachment is not helping her, or yourself.

When you think of Melissa, try to see her as "blissed out," as in a better place, a higher dimension. It's not our job to know all the reasons things happen ... we cannot. Our assignment is  to do our best to accept that there are good reasons that are simply beyond our understanding. Meanwhile, please read a book on grieving and/or see a grief counselor. It's worth the time and trouble.





... Continue Reading or Share »

Paulo, I met this great guy who's been married 18 years. We've been planning on moving in together, but he's messed up emotionally. He says he's in love with me but also loves his wife ... and said he has obligations to his kids too. Now she is keeping him a prisoner in his own home, monitoring every move he makes, and every call he gets. Please help.

- Barbara, Ontario

On an intellectual level, this is easy ... you have to let go of your attachment to this guy. But letting go, of course, is easier said than emotionally done! He is seriously (and understandably) conflicted, which makes him emotionally unavailable for the kind of intimate connection  you desire. He may be into you, but no matter how much you like each other, "He's just not available!" And, if ever he is to break his marital agreement, it must be solely of his own volition, none of your doing. So, there is nothing for you to do but let go.

You have developed a strong emotional attachment and, unfortunately, like the high from a drug,  you are going to have to go through a hangover period -- from which you will surely emerge intact. Withdrawals are not fun. Hopefully you





... Continue Reading or Share »